Worlds Apart Final Entry

by Mark Mangum

Final Entry

It's been a couple of years since Lucas passed.  A lot of things have changed and I had always wished that he could have been a part of it.  His parents Daniel and Lois got a divorce soon after Lucas committed suicide.  Lois felt that it had been partly her fault that Lucas was so miserable that he could take his own life, she also blamed Daniel because a father should always accept their child for who or what they are.  She has quit drinking and started a local PFLAG chapter in hopes that she can help save others from going down the same road.  We get together at least once a week just to sit and talk about things.  Daniel moved shortly after the divorce leaving the house to Lois as part of the separation.  The girls, Rachel and Joy still keep in contact with him, and he still has a hard time dealing with everything that has happened.  Rachel recently became engaged but remains the same stubborn cookie cut out of Daniel.  Joy has immersed herself in her career in an attempt to not ever have to deal with Lucas' passing or her parents’ divorce.  Joy had been the only one in the family to truly accept Lucas, and they had always been close.  In fact, Joy had been the first person that he had told when he had accepted that he was gay.  Out of the entire family, I believe that Joy was hit the hardest when Lucas died.  I met Gabriel soon after the funeral when I interviewed him for a job and hired him.  We instantly became good friends, and it is amazing how much he reminds me of Lucas at times.  I have always thought that if Lucas had been able to meet him in his lifetime that they would have hit it off and that maybe Lucas would still be here, which is why I put them together.  After Lucas died, I felt empty.  We had always been good friends since that time in middle school when the bullies were chasing him down, and he found me sitting in the bleachers crying.  I took it harder than anyone would ever imagine because he was, in fact, the love of my life.  I knew that I could never have him the way I wanted, but I also knew that having him as a part of my life was better than nothing at all.  I still have nightmares about finding him lying in the tub.  In my dreams, the colors seem to be more vivid and the blood always seems to be dancing a terrible dance in the candlelight which plagues me with the thought that ink blots were never quite so colorful.  Even with the nightmares and the sadness of losing Lucas, I haven't had the heart to leave the apartment.  Instead, I began writing what I thought should have happened in his life.  To deal with his passing, I gave him a life in this story, the life that I thought he deserved and the life I felt I needed him to have to be able to let him go.  Some of the things that I wrote about did happen, but I used them to make him stronger, whereas in real life they had actually been the catalyst to his suicide.  If only he could see what has happened since then, but maybe he can.  Sometimes I think I see him, or I hear his laugh, or even smell his cologne lingering in the house.  We may be worlds apart, but I know that he still smiles down on me, and on everyone that his life touched.

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